Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy is a creation of Saturday Night Live. A regular feature on SNL, Jack Handy quotes were presented between skits by a soothing voice over a calming natural scene. While all of them are silly, some of them are downright hilarious. Enjoy!
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."
"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."
"Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet."
"Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."
"To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks.""
"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing."
"Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars."
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."
"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."
"Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have."
"During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were just going down to the corner."
"I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have a beak to peck you with."
"When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear."