A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick‚" said the woman to the lover‚ "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet‚ stark naked.
The husband‚ however‚ became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone‚" said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths‚" the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said‚ "Those little bastards!"
I planted some bird seed.. A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once... or twice
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
My weight is perfect for my height, which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
How can there be self-help “groups?”
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?