Adopt a Dog
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say its not quite as good as his mother's
.....then adopt a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ...
.....then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
.....then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
.....then adopt a dog !
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ...
.....then adopt a dog.
BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness ...
.....then adopt a cat!
Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?
Winking Problem
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says,
"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."
"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills,
and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
