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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my little dog Lucy had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

More "Blonde" Jokes

 

Dave the Drunk

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Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. "Who the hell are you?", demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom ?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter."

Dave was stunned. "You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for; and I haven't said goodbye to my family... You've got to send me back straight away."

St. Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad", replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating", explained the rooster "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never", replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen".

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

"Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've crapped the bed!!!"

More "Drunk" Jokes

Terrorist Boobytrap

man-sized mouse trap

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Biker Fan

man on exercise bike

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