An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Scottish and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Da's deid?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandad's died?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
Just like Frank Feldman
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. . . . I'm married to his widow."