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Shipwrecked Scotsman

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A shipwrecked Scotsman finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regained consciousness on the beach, he noticed a beautiful, unclad nymphet standing over him. 

"Would you like some food?" she asked. 

The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"

She disappeared into the woods and quickly came back with a heaping helping of haggis. "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!" 

She disappeared into the woods again and returned sometime later with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt scotch whiskey. The Scotsman was beginning to think that he was in heaven! 

Then, the unclad nymphet leaned towards him and said "Would you like to play around?" 

"Och lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

More "Scottish" Jokes

 

Three Quarterbacks

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Peyton Manning, Tony Romo, and Tom Brady go to Heaven to visit God and watch a Monday Night game. God decides who will sit next to him by asking them each the same question.

God asks Manning first: "What do you believe?"

Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans."

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?"

Tony says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage, and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing field."

God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Tom Brady. "And you, Tom, what do you believe?"

Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

More "Football" Jokes

Happy Robbie Burns Day!

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Dangerous Playground

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