Romantic and Unromantic
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you're not.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
Every time I see your face.
I wish I were in outer space.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in, to smell this way.
My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe 'go to hell.'
Maxine Almost Finds Religion
Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
She looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
