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Growing Up

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26 Ways to Tell You Have Grown Up:

1) Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2) Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3) You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4) 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5) You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6) You watch the Weather Channel.

7) Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and break up."

8) You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9) Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10) You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11) Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12) You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13) Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14) You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15) Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16) You take naps.

17) Dinner and movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18) Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19) You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20) A four-dollar bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good sh*t."

21) You always eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22) "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23) 90 percent of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24) You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25) When you find out your friends are pregnant, you congratulate them instead of asking, "Oh sh*t, what the hell happened?"

26) You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry butt.

More "List" Jokes

 

God Said to Adam

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God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a Valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...."

Adam said, "What's a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a Woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said....

"What's a headache?"

More "Religious" Jokes

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Picky Eater

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