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Chuck Norris Jokes

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Here are some Chuck Norris jokes that I collected on his 70th birthday. I hope you find them as funny as I did.

Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

Chuck Norris almost died 2x...on the third attempt he just killed the grim reaper.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the HULK, when the HULK gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that he is going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise!

Chuck Norris doesn't have a command key on his keyboard because the keyboard will do whatever he says.

Chuck Norris is not afraid of aging, aging is afraid of him.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris Fact of the Day: Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris once shot down an enemy fighter plane with his finger, by pointing and yelling, "Bang!"

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

I hate when twitter says over capacity... Did Chuck Norris roundshouse the server?

Chuck Norris sleeps with a nitelite, not because Chuck Norris scared of the dark, but because the dark is scared of Chuck Norris

Before the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris enters a room he does't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

They say chick norris turned 70 today, that's bull! 70 turned just chuck norris!

Chuck Norris pours milk on rice krispies... and they shut the hell up!

Chuck Norris once ate a whole birthday cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it!

Chuck Norris NEVER makes mistakes. If he appears to contradict with the facts, then they're not facts.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck NORRIS!

In 1972, scientists bottled a sample of Chuck Norris' urine. We now know it as 'Red Bull'.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity... twice!

When Chuck Norris falls in water, he doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris can dance the waltz of The Sugar Plum Fairy. And look bad ass doing it.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

If you Google search "chuck norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris is a spelling bee champion because however he spells a word becomes its new spelling.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take crap from anybody.

Did you know Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding?

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

What came first? The Chicken or the Egg? Neither Chuck Norris pulled them both out his pocket at the same time.

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